Resources for married couples

What makes a marriage work?

For many years, researchers have been studying married couples to find out what makes a marriage successful. This research has taken many forms. Sometimes couples have been observed interacting in specially designed research laboratories. Sometimes researchers have visited couples in their homes. In many studies, couples have been interviewed or asked to complete questionnaires. Taken together, this research has identified several things that predict whether a marriage will be successful. The most important components of a successful marriage, as identified by this research, are described below.

If you are married and have not already done so, you can complete the anonymous questionnaire associated with this website and immediately receive your scores on 17 different scales. Scores on the questionnaire correspond with the components of a successful marriage discussed below. If you are interested in taking the questionnaire, it is recommended that you take the questionnaire prior to reading further about the components of a successful marriage. You can then print your scores and see how you rated your marriage when reading about each different component.

 

To take the web questionnaire, click here.

 

Contents:

Importance of Communication Negative Communication Positive Communication Partner Validation Attributions Expectancies

Hard and Soft Emotion Flat Emotion Underlying Issues Personal Vulnerabilities Positive Experiences

 

Importance of Communication During Conflict
It takes many things to make a marriage work, including commitment, laughter, friendship, forgiveness, and romance. Successful couples provide support to each other when times are though, and they have fun together when times are good. One component that is particularly important in determining the outcome of a marriage is a couple’s ability to resolve conflict.

All married couples experience conflict from time to time. Although some couples have more conflict than others, the amount of conflict a couple has is not necessarily associated with relationship success. Rather, what is most important is how a couple handles conflict when it arises. Indeed, one of the best predictors of marital success is the way a couple communicates during times of conflict. Communication is related to many aspects of marital functioning including how satisfied and happy a couple is and whether a couple eventually gets divorced. Communication during conflict is also related to a person’s physical health. For example, negative communication during conflict is associated with increased secretion of stress hormones in the blood and declines in immune system functioning. Moreover, if a couple has children, the way the couple resolves conflict is related to outcomes in their children. When a couple has difficulty resolving conflict, their children are at increased risk for experiencing emotional, academic, and behavioral problems.

Because conflict resolution is so important for relationship health, most of the information discussed below pertains to conflict resolution. This does not mean that conflict resolution is the only component of a healthy marriage. Rather, conflict resolution is the focus of discussion simply because it plays such a foundational role across many areas of relationship functioning. If a couple is not able to resolve conflicts, then unresolved conflict may intrude in many areas of their relationship. It may interfere with their ability to support each other, to have fun together, to raise children, and to work together as a team. Once conflict begins intruding on multiple areas of a marriage, it causes serious damage to the health of the relationship, and a couple is likely to become unhappy and distressed together.

In contrast, if a couple is able to resolve their conflicts, they will be able to work as a team to make their relationship what they want it to be. It is important to remember that conflict, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. It may be unpleasant, but it is a natural, normal part of any close interpersonal relationship. A relationship without conflict is likely to be a relationship without intimacy, and a relationship that never grows.

In summary, conflicts can be both harmful and beneficial for relationships. When a couple is unable to resolve conflict, their conflicts are likely to fester and grow, and their relationship is likely to become distressed. When a couple is able to resolve their conflict, then conflict is actually likely to produce growth in their relationship. This raises and important question: what determines whether a conflict will be resolved?

Negative Communication
Possibly, the most obvious thing couples do that hinders their ability to resolve conflict is to use negative communication. Researcher John Gottman (at University of Washington) labels four types of negative communication: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Criticism includes statements where a person points out something negative in his or her partner, or something the partner is doing wrong, or something the partner is failing to do. In criticism, the focus of the statement is on the partner, not on oneself. A sentence that begins with the word “you” is often a criticism (e.g, “you did not take out the trash”). Criticisms often contain words that exaggerate, such as “always” and “never” (e.g., “you are always late”). Criticism also includes “mind reading” statements where one partner comments on the thoughts or motives of the other partner (e.g., “you have not given it any effort”).

Typically, criticism from one partner leads to defensiveness in the other partner. With defensiveness, a person offers a rebuttal to the criticism. A person may disagree with the facts, may offer an excuse, or explain why his or her behavior is justified. Often defensiveness takes a “yes, but” form, where the person first agrees and then disagrees with the criticism (e.g., “yes, I agree, but what you don’t understand is that it has to be that way”). The key feature of defensiveness is that it attempts to invalidate all or part of a perceived criticism.

If criticism and defensiveness escalate in an argument, these behaviors could lead to contempt and/or stonewalling. A statement involves contempt when it is designed to psychologically attack or hurt the partner. This includes calling the partner names, making degrading comments regarding the partner’s personal character, and making sarcastic comments about the partner. Escalating conflict can also lead to stonewalling (or withdrawal). At this point, one partner feels overwhelmed with the conflict and/or gives up trying to resolve it. In stonewalling, a person simply stops communicating. He or she may sit silently with a “stonewall” expression, leave the room, or refuse to discuss the issue further.

It is important to keep in mind that it is normal for couples to use some amount of negative communication when they have conflict. The mere presence of negative communication is not problematic. Even the happiest couples occasionally use negative communication. However, negative communication is problematic when it is excessive, when it snowballs, and when a couple is unable to stop the negative communication once it starts. In a successful relationship, negative communication is contained and it is typically balanced by positive communication, by soft emotion (discussed below), and by other positive relationship interactions. In many ways, negative communication could be considered analogous to pepper. In small, controlled amounts, you can season your relationship to taste, but in large amounts, negative communication makes the relationship unbearable. The goal, then, is not to eliminate negative communication altogether, but rather, to keep negative communication under control, and to balance the use of negative communication with a good dose of positive communication.

Positive Communication
In contrast to negative communication, positive communication includes statements that are likely to lead to conflict resolution and to mutual understanding between partners. Positive communication includes polite statements that share personal information about oneself. This includes sharing thoughts, feelings, desires, and hopes (e.g., “I was worried you had forgotten and I felt lonely”). With positive communication, important personal information is shared, and it is shared in a manner that does not attack or criticize the partner. The focus in positive communication is on oneself, not on one’s partner. Although it is okay to mention something your partner did, with positive communication, the primary focus is on what you want, think, and feel – not on what your partner did and not on alleged facts of the situation. In addition, positive communication is typically stated using a neutral or calm tone of voice.

Note: For more information on the difference between positive and negative communication, see the communication coding manual that we use in my research laboratory. This manual is used to analyze the communication of couples that volunteer to be observed in my research, and it provides complete definitions of positive and negative communication.

Partner Validation
For positive communication to occur, partners also need to listen to each other and validate each other. Validation involves sincerely understanding a partner’s viewpoint and acknowledging the legitimacy of that viewpoint. Importantly, you do not have to agree with a partner to validate his or her perspective. Two people can disagree on an issue even when both viewpoints are valid. Thus, validation involves recognizing that there are different viewpoints and that your partner has reasonable and understandable explanations for his or her behavior, thoughts, opinions, and feelings. You know you are validating your partner if you can paraphrase your partner’s viewpoint in a way that leads him or her to say, “Yes, that is exactly what I am saying.”

Often, couples get stuck in a conflict when neither partner feels that his or her viewpoint is being validated by the other. When partners don’t feel validated, they are likely to use the negative forms of communication discussed above. In addition, they are likely to think, “Why should I validate my partner if my partner won’t validate me?” Therefore, neither partner is willing to be the first one to sincerely listen to the other. Because both partners feel invalidated themselves, both partners refuse to validate the other’s perspective, and neither partner sincerely understands the other. This pattern of invalidation leads to arguments that go around in circles as each partner restates his or her position over and over, never feeling understood, and never validating the other. Therefore, an important key to resolving conflict is being able (and willing) to validate one’s partner.

Attributions
The opposite of validating a partner’s viewpoint is to make one’s own assumptions about the partner’s motives, intentions, and behavior. Often, when people make assumptions about the partner, they make negative attributions. Attributions are the explanations a person makes regarding what caused an event to occur and who is responsible for the event. As summarized by researcher Tom Bradbury (at UCLA), a large number of studies on marriage have found that attributions for negative relationship events are especially important, and that attributions are predictive of many relationship outcomes. When a negative event occurs, distressed couples are likely to view each other as causing the event and to blame each other for the event. In contrast, in successful marriages, partners are likely to see negative behavior as unintentional, and not typical, and to believe that negative events are caused by unusual circumstances outside of each other’s control.

Common types of negative attributions include: (1) blaming the partner for a negative event, (2) viewing the partner as responsible for causing a negative event, (3) viewing the partner’s negative behavior as stable and habitual, and (4) believing that a partner’s negative behavior is caused by something internal to the partner (such as personality, laziness, effort, selfishness, or motives) rather than an external situation over which the partner had no control. When there is a conflict in a relationship, negative attributions tend to add fuel to the fire. The more a person makes negative attributions, the more a person is likely to feel angry (which is a type of “hard emotion” that is discussed below) and the more a person is likely to use negative communication (as described above). In addition, if a person expresses negative attributions to a partner, the negative attributions will likely invalidate the partner and make the partner feel defensive.

When a person makes negative attributions, the person often feels like his or her attributions are a clear and evident truth. However, it is important to realize that attributions are merely interpretations of events, and they rarely constitute the entire truth of a situation. Most events in life are complex and can be explained in many different ways. It may seem reasonable to make a negative attribution in a given situation, but from a different perspective, a positive attribution could be equally plausible. Thus, the attributions you make reflect your choice regarding how you will interpret a situation, what you will focus on, and what you will ignore. Choosing to make positive or negative attributions is similar to choosing to see a glass as half full or half empty. This is not to say that a person should never make negative attributions (for sometimes it is worthwhile to acknowledge the empty half of the glass). Rather, the important point is that attributions are a choice, and it is beneficial to consider the advantages and disadvantages of whatever choice is taken.

Expectancies
Expectancies are similar to attributions in that they are a type of thought that people can have, and they influence communication during conflict. Like attributions, there is a strong association between expectancies and relationship satisfaction. Expectancies are the predictions people make regarding what is likely to happen in the future. When a conflict arises in a relationship, a person is likely to have expectancies regarding the most probable behavior of his or her partner. Is one’s partner likely to be empathic and understanding? Is one’s partner likely to use positive and/or negative communication?

These types of predictions are important because they often become self-fulfilling prophecies. If a person expects a conversation to go poorly, it probably will. When people hold negative expectations, they tend to use negative communication, whereas when people are optimistic, they tend to use positive communication. Some of my own research has investigated how communication changes over time, and I have found that when couples change their expectancies, there is a corresponding change in communication behavior. Although expectancies are often partially accurate predictions of the partner’s behavior, expectancies actually predict one’s own behavior better than they predict the partner’s behavior.

If a person holds negative expectancies during a marital conflict, the conflict will be difficult to resolve. This is because it takes effort to resolve conflict, to use good communication, and to refrain from using negative communication. A person will have little motivation to put forth such effort if he or she does not believe it will do any good. Therefore, if a person has negative expectancies, a first step toward resolving conflict may be changing one’s expectancies to become more optimistic. In some cases, a person can change his or her expectancies simply by choosing to focus on the positive rather than expecting the negative. However, if a couple has a long history of unresolved conflict, it may not be so easy to change one’s expectancies. Unresolved conflict can lead to negative expectancies, and negative expectancies, in turn, can exacerbate conflict. In some cases, changes in expectancies may need to be coordinated with plans to make changes in communication behavior so that there is a justifiable reason to be optimistic.

Hard and Soft Emotion
To understand fully what it takes to resolve conflict, it is important to consider the role of emotion. Conflicts are often driven by a range of different types of emotion, and these emotions are important for several reasons. Emotions motivate people to engage in specific behaviors, or “action tendencies.” For example, fear can motivate someone to escape from something dangerous; anger can motivate someone to attack something bad, and sadness can motivate someone to seek comfort from something dependable. Emotions are also important because they amplify the ways in which people interpret events. If a husband blames his wife for being late, he is likely to feel angry, and his anger will make him notice and think about all the ways in which is wife is at fault. In this way, the husband’s original interpretation (that his wife deserves to be blamed) becomes stronger, and he becomes increasingly motivated to act on it. Of course, a different interpretation of the same event would lead to a different emotion and a different emotion would lead to a different focus of attention. Finally, emotions are important because they facilitate a kind of rapid, non-verbal communication between people. When one person expresses an emotion, it immediately communicates to others what that person is thinking and feeling, and what that person is likely to do.

As might be expected, many of the emotions experienced during times of marital conflict are unpleasant. Although some unpleasant emotions can be destructive, in many situations, these emotions are actually beneficial. In my own research, I typically distinguish between two types of unpleasant emotion: hard emotion and soft emotion. Hard emotion includes unpleasant emotions such as feeling angry and aggravated which involve protecting one’s own interests and asserting power or control. Hard emotion energizes people to protect themselves against perceived threats. In contrast, soft emotion includes unpleasant emotions such as feeling sad and hurt which involve expressions of vulnerability. With soft emotion, people expose their weakness and they invite assistance from others.

It is normal and healthy occasionally to experience both hard and soft emotion in a relationship. However, these two types of emotion have different functions. During marital conflict, hard emotion typically prepares and motivates a person to verbally attack his or her spouse, and the expression of hard emotion warns the spouse that he or she is about to be verbally attacked. Thus, hard emotion often leads to negative communication. Persistent hard emotion over the course of a disagreement will likely interfere with conflict resolution.

In contrast, soft emotion is often beneficial for conflict resolution. Accordingly, many forms of marital therapy encourage couples to express soft emotion during times of conflict. Although soft emotion can sometimes lead to negative communication, it generally leads to less negative communication than does hard emotion, and moreover, it often leads to positive communication. Because soft emotion indicates vulnerability, it often elicits empathy and understanding from the partner. Although too much soft emotion could become burdensome for a relationship, in appropriate doses, soft emotion can facilitate intimacy between partners. In general, couples are most likely to resolve conflicts when they can shift from expressing hard emotion to exposing their more vulnerable soft emotions.

Flat Emotion
Sometimes during marital conflict, a person will appear not to express any emotion at all. A person may appear bored, apathetic, and disengaged. In my research, I call this “flat emotion,” and this type of emotion is especially problematic for conflict resolution. Flat emotion is closely associated with a pattern of interaction that is troubling for many couples and that is particularly common in distressed relationships. Researcher Andrew Christensen (at UCLA) refers to this interaction as the “Demand Withdrawal” pattern. In this interaction, one partner (sometimes the wife), is dissatisfied or unhappy with something about the relationship. This person wants to address the issue and therefore she voices her concerns and complaints. Unfortunately, this is perceived as nagging and criticism by the other partner (sometimes the husband), and he responds by withdrawing and expressing flat emotion. By expressing flat emotion a person escapes from becoming emotionally involved in a conflict, but the issue remains unresolved. Therefore, the demanding partner becomes even more upset. The demanding partner begins to nag and criticize even more, and consequently, the withdrawing partner expresses even more flat emotion. This can become a vicious cycle that is difficult to exit. One possible way for couples to address this cycle is for the demanding partner to use more positive (rather than negative) communication, and for the withdrawing partner to show more validation and to express more soft emotion.

Underlying issues
Most conflicts have two levels. The first level involves a surface issue or event, and the second level involves the underlying meanings that each partner associates with surface issue or event. It is important to realize that conflicts are not typically caused by surface issues and events themselves, but rather, by the underlying meaning that people place on those events. In my research, I have observed several hundred couples discussing conflicts, and these conflicts have covered a wide variety of surface issues, such as the appropriate way to operate a washing machine, whether it is normal to enjoy watching old western movies, the best time of day to use the phone, and whether children will become spoiled after receiving yo-yos from the toy store. These surface issues, however, are rarely the true sources of conflict. A person will not become upset by an event unless the event means something to the person. For example, a messy kitchen in and of itself cannot cause someone to become upset, but a person might become upset if he or she interprets the messy kitchen to mean that one’s partner is not doing a fair share of work, or that the partner failed to keep a promise.

When couples discuss an area of conflict, they often focus on surface events rather than underlying issues. This is problematic because, when couples focus on surface events, they are unlikely to reach a satisfactory solution to the conflict. Discussions about surfaces events often become tangential, confusing, and circular. Even if a couple is able to reach a compromise on a surface issue, the more important underlying issue often remains unresolved. Thus, if a couple is to completely resolve a conflict, it is usually necessary for them to identify and discuss underlying issues. Moreover, a discussion that focuses on underlying issues is more intimate, and it may ultimately lead to more relationship closeness, than a discussion about surface events.

Some of my recent research in this area suggests that underlying issues typically fall within three general categories: perceived threat, partner investment, and trust. The underlying issue is a perceived threat when a person feels unfairly attacked by the partner. With a perceived threat, a person interprets a situation to mean something about status, dominance, and submission. Specifically, the person perceives that the partner is attempting to take a dominant position that threatens one’s own status. For example, a situation may be interpreted to mean that the partner is unfairly criticizing and judging, or displaying hostility, or making unfair demands. There is a strong correlation between perceiving threat from the partner and perceiving hard emotion in a partner. A natural response to a perceived threat is to defensively protect one’s status, to fight back, and to refuse to give in. Another typical response is to escape from the perceived threat by withdrawing from the relationship. A more positive response, however, would be for a person to recognize perceived threat as an underlying issue, to focus on soft (rather than hard) emotions associated with the perceived threat, and then use positive communication to share the ways in which he or she is interpreting the situation.

The second type of underlying issue involves partner investment. The underlying issue is partner investment when a person perceives that the partner is not sufficiently invested in the relationship. With partner investment, a person interprets a situation to mean something about the partner’s level of commitment, concern, or dependability, and also the extent to which one is valued by the partner. For example, a person may perceive that the partner is not making a sufficient contribution to the relationship, or not making a sincere effort to do something for the relationship, or not concerned about something important for the relationship. There is a strong correlation between perceiving a lack of investment in the partner and perceiving flat emotion in the partner. A natural response to a perceived lack of investment is to criticize the partner, or to attempt to persuade the partner to do something that would demonstrate investment in the relationship. Other typical responses include attempting to test the partner’s investment, or withdrawing from the partner to avoid further hurt. As discussed above, a more positive response would be for a person to first recognize that partner investment is the underlying issue, to focus on soft (rather than hard) emotions associated with the perceived threat, and then use positive communication to share the ways in which he or she is interpreting the situation.

The third type of underlying issue involves trust. The underlying issue is trust when a person perceives that the partner is being dishonest, deceitful, or untrustworthy. Underlying issues regarding trust could be viewed as a subtype of partner investment. Indeed, if a partner is not viewed as trustworthy, the partner is not likely to be viewed as invested in the relationship. However, it is helpful to consider trust as a separate category because trust issues may tend to be more extreme and more serious than partner investment issues. Although a lack of trust often indicates a lace of perceived investment, the reverse is not necessarily true. That is, many people perceive a lack of investment but still trust their partners. Compared to other underlying issues, it likely takes more work to resolve issues regarding trust. In addition, if trust is an underlying issue, a person may want to carefully weigh the advantages and disadvantages of trusting (or mistrusting) one’s partner.

Note: Two additional qualities of a successful marriage are discussed below; however, these are not assessed on the web questionnaire

Personal Vulnerabilities
As a result of both life experience and biology, people develop unique traits and characteristics. Unfortunately, some types of traits can be especially challenging for relationships. For example, people that are high on a personality trait called “neuroticism” tend to have an increased risk for marital distress. Neuroticism involves experiencing frequent negative emotions and having difficulty controlling negative emotions. Similarly, depression can not only be exacerbated by marital distress, but depression can also lead to marital distress. In addition, a person is at increased risk for marital distress if he or she is frequently hostile, or has difficulty empathizing with others. Problems can also occur in a relationship if one of both partners has difficulty trusting others or feels uncomfortable with intimacy and closeness.

Positive Experiences
An important key to a successful marriage is having positive experiences with one’s spouse. Presumably, the reason people get married in the first place is to form a satisfying partnership with an intimate friend – to spend time together, enjoy life together, and meet challenges together. Couples in successful relationships find ways to create positive experiences and to build their friendship. One way that couples increase friendship and intimacy is by being supportive of each other when they encounter hassles, hardships, and disappointments in life. Couples also create positive experiences when both spouses frequently initiate conversation and enjoyable activities together, and when they respond enthusiastically to each other’s initiations. In addition, researcher John Gottman suggests that it is important for married couples to create a “shared symbolic meaning.” This involves having a shared set of life dreams and a shared value system regarding what is important in marriage. In successful marriages, couples build a body of good memories of positive experiences together. As discussed above, couples are best able to do this when they have developed an effective system for managing conflict.